Processing a Moment

As a good friend of mine would say, I am having a moment. I am frustrated because as excited as I am to leave and start something new I am angry because I feel I have no other choice. Every time the phone rings I still am hopeful it is a school board, ready to give me a chance, one that I decidedly deserve... after all the work I've put in.

If you really know me, then you know for the most part, at first I am very hard to get on with. I am not interested in making friends and to be honest I don't like a lot of people all that much. I have my close friends and that's about all I care to have. I am nice to people because I have to be and if I could live in a society where being alone most of the time was normal, I probably would've adopted it a long time ago.

Stoic as I am in that regard I want to confess that when I meet someone I instantly like, as rare as it is, it is a huge blow when it doesn't work out. Whether it be a romantic interest or someone who I want to befriend; I give myself to people I feel will do the same back. I feel I am either your best friend and protector or at the very best a fringe. That line very rarely varies but I have some friends who I have known forever and this attitude doesn't much apply to them.

I am upset because over the last couple of years I have made friends with individuals I have never felt closer to in all my life. People who have experienced with me what it is like to be Gen X and feel the terror of life's uncertainties in the exact same fashion. I have to leave the nest, this blanket of safety and understanding while starting all over again- I don't want to do that. I don't want to make nice and pretend all over again that I like people and I want to be around them just to hope and pray that I find some people I will genuinely want to be around. I am exhausted just thinking about it.

Does this all make me a bitch, unworthy of people's efforts - a recluse? I don't know... I guess in my defence I never chose to be this way, it's always something that has been with me my whole life. Being an outsider as a youngin' and learning to do things solo on the playground probably has a lot to do with my disinterest in others now. That's not self-pity, really, it's just the way things were- are.

But just as parting words, if you are reading this and feel anyway insulted, I apologize. Chances are I like you just fine... but chances are also I don't talk to you all that much. If you know me, you know my capacity to love and if you love me back we'll be just fine. As for Aussie, well I will just have to put on my happy, interested face, suck it up and if I am lucky, I will be able to make life long friends like I have here and in Korea. I am just realizing, as I get older, how much harder that gets.